What say.

I joined a gym the Sunday.

Went for my **~Training Session~** on Monday. Of course it was, pretty much what you’d expect… Humiliating as all hell. I got there at one o’clock as instructed. The trainer, who I’ll refer to as THOR, wasn’t there.

I waited.

…and waited.

THOR showed up at 1:20pm. It went downhill from that point…

THOR: Dude.

Me: You’re late.

THOR: But bro, Yer ‘pointment whut’n ’til one fif-teen.

Me: Oh sorry. That makes you, um… late.

THOR: Man! Dude. Sorry.

Me: It’s cool.

THOR:
k. I’m THOR.

Me: Hey THOR. I’m Mark.

THOR: What say we get you weighed in?

Me: What say. (then I get on the scales).

THOR: You don’t LOOK like you’d weigh that much.

Me: Hmmm… I guess I oughta join a gym or something. What Say.

THOR: HAHAHAHA that’s a good one mr. Mark.

Me: [thinking] Screw ya THOR.

Then we retreat to THOR’s office.

THOR: Blah, Blah, Blah, Gloots, Blah, Blah, Blah, Body Mazz, Blah, Blah, Blah, Lean Muscle, Blah, Blah, Blah….

Me: [thinking] Fuck. I haven’t weighed this much since Leslie and I played piggy back. Their scales have GOT to be wrong. It’s must be set to IQ instead of LBS.

THOR: Blah, Blah, Blah, …your goals?

Me: [not thinking] Huh? Oh. Yeah. Goals? Yeah. I’ve got goals… I’ve got goals all over the place. Matter of fact, I’m one goal-oriented mother… I’ve gotta goal to get back to my superhero weight of 180. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good again. I’d like to be lean, not worried too much about bulking up. Matter of fact I’d like not to worry– you know stress less. I’d like to move. I want a better relationship with my kid, the MeenAger, at least for the next two years until she goes to college. I want to pull out of this brain-searing depression. I want to feel creative again. I want to be a better conversationalist. I’d like to pay off some credit cards. I want to get some new tennis shoes. I’d like to have sex, or at least a sex like activity with my wife. I’d like to lose about four pounds of face. Regrow hair. And last but not least, I’d like to NOT kill another Personal Fitness Trainer.

Yeah, I’d say I’ve got goals.

THOR: [mouth open, stunned.] ~blink. ~blink.

THOR: HAHAHAHA you’re too funny mr. Mark.

THOR: What say we ge’cha started with a good warmup.

Me: good? What say.

Then THOR proceeds to add a pain component to the humiliation.

Halfway through the **lower body** workout, as I’m biting my lower lip trying to hold back the tears…

THOR: Burnin’? You feelin’ the burn yet? Give me four more. Three. Two. And…

Me: Ut. Ooob. Eeeem. Leeb.

Me: [holding back the tears, seriously] Wait…. Wait…. Wait a second…

Now! Just now, you just managed to push me past the threshold. Congratulations, you just triggered a killer Vicodin habit in me.

THOR: HAHAHAHA you’re just too funny mr. Mark. Toooo funny. What say we get you started on the [toe push] machine, it’ll help your definition.

Me: What say.

Bulimithon and Swearing to God Carries No Weight Anymore

“God didn’t make us go through millions of years of evolution to stand in a Big Thunder Mountain Railroad queue line for two hours.”

We made it back.

Disney in June is, well… DISNEY IN JUNE. It was hot. It was crowded. Although it was kind of refreshing to realize that I won’t HAVE to do The Disney again until Kaly has kids, and said kids are old enough to grind into her wallet for $25 tshirts and four dollar Minute Made Frozen Lemonades.

If my estimations are correct, I’d say I won’t have to worry about that for [at least] twelve years or so. Minimum.

DisneyFried

My “Oh-Hell,-Get-Me-Out-Of-Here” moment happened as we were standing in line to ride the Thunder Mountain roller coaster. We were in the middle of the queue, the queue was in the middle of this barn, the barn was in the middle of the park, the park was in the middle of Florida, and oh, did I happen to mention it WAS the middle of June? The thermometer on my fancy-smancy Nike dive watch was registering 101 degrees ON MY WRIST!**

The crowd and the heat were not the critical components in my breakdown. The catalyst? The catalyst was the waves of vomit I kept choking down from the Big Assed Disney Breakfast Buffet® I had wolfed on just an hour earlier.

MMMMMM… Nothing says ‘you’re really on vacation‘ quite like: scrambled eggs x3, french toast x4, bacon xinfinity, potato casserole, cottage cheese, fruit, breakfast pizza, breakfast lasagna, granola, donuts x2, donut holes x4, orange juice x3, central Florida in the summer, crowd B.O. and a roller coaster.

To my credit, I didn’t eat anything else, seriously– nothing at all the rest of the week, and that Big Assed Disney Breakfast Buffet® incident was on Tuesday. I’ve only had an orange Tic Tac, a popsicle and an Exlax since we got home yesterday. Seriously, I swear. To God.

And speaking of getting home, and swearing to god… Our house got broken into while we were gone. “Broken into” sounds a lot more dramatic than saying a couple of Kaly’s teenage friends decided to sneak in and check the place out. Although when I questioned one of the boys about coming into the house, he promised he didn’t do it. As a matter of fact, he said, “I didn’t. I didn’t do it… I swear.

[insert silent pause that I let lapse for a good 45 seconds]

To God.”

He fessed up to Kaly just a few minutes after I called his dad and and told him “…Your son, [RocketScientistGenius] broke into our house…” I played up the whole burglary/criminal aspect like a champ. Man, I shot that poor guy’s Father’s Day all to hell.

Anyway.

All in all, the time away was needed. The Cirque du Soleil experience was good for my soul. Oh, I almost forgot to mention we got to spend an incredible week with Leslie’s sisters and their families (yeah, the in-laws). Did you know 11 people CAN stay together WITHOUT killing one another AND have a great time?! It’s true. I swear.

To God.

~ ~ ~

**Anytime I refer to any functions of that watch, I always say “ON MY WRIST!”. Like, “The barometric pressure is 29.08 millibars ON MY WRIST! The depth of the water is 4.9 feet ON MY WRIST!” The altitude is 128 feet above sea level ON MY WRIST!” Yes, it’s stupid. But at least there’s clarity and it helps validate the purchase of the watch to Leslie.

Life Emphatic

Just when I couldn’t feel more jaded, more old, and more “been there, done that”, tonight I lucked up and found myself in the dead center middle of Cirque du Soleil.

At one point during the show, sitting there with Kaly and Leslie, and in total jaw-dropped awe, I realized how glad I am to be alive.

Somebody’s going on vacation.

The work around the office finishes and the worry will have to wait AT LEAST a week, for me anyway.

We’re headed to the vacation oasis of Orlando (I feel like I should write that in all-caps, and outline it in glue and glitter on your monitor, maybe the old BLINK tag will be close enough).

Put a slug in me if I come back with a dazed look and mouse ears. Seriously… it’ll be the humane thing to do.

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