The day my ass caught fire and my penis turned into a rifle.

PICTURE UPDATE: See I told you.

I had just left Kaly’s school this morning. Les and I had just ‘done our time’ at the parent/teacher conference thing at the school, and I was heading off to work.

As I was merrily driving the Invisible Passat up Riverside Drive, I felt a sting in my butt. I was wearing new(ish) pants and figured maybe a tag had poked me in the wrong way so I squirmed around in the seat and repositioned myself. The pain went away.

As I did this I reached over and turned on the heater.

A few seconds later, another sting. And another reposition. Damn tag.

Another few seconds later, things started to stink. It smelled like somebody was smoking a cat.

I thought that maybe since the Invisible Passat was a used car, and this was probably the first time the heater had been on in several months that maybe the heater coils just need to burn off the dust and stuff.

I continued to drive on in my invisible bliss.

The stink gets worse.

Then as I glance down at the radio I noticed a puff of smoke.

In slowed time, my mind does simple algebra:
sting + stink + smoke = Hmmm. I’m on fire.

blink. blink.

~pause~

As if I was announcing this fact to some huge audience, I yelled at the top of my lungs… I’M ON FIRE!

I decelerate and pull over into a parking lot as fast as I can. I stop, drop and roll out of the car. Actually it’s more of a real quick get out, pat my butt and realize my ass is on fire, then I hit the pavement and butt-scooch.

I get up (with zero dignity at this point) and look back at the driver’s seat and the spot that was causing the sting earlier. The same hotspot that I, the last time I squirmed around, had repositioned my wallet between it and my hairy ass, was on fire. A tiny, smoldering fire, but a fire all the same.

The seat warmer on the driver’s side had shorted out.

Once I snuffed out the flame, and poured a little water in the smoldering hole. I get back in the car and drive off. I called Leslie to tell her all about my burning ass. All she says is, “That’s not good. That’s not good at all.” Gee, ya think?! Thanks for the flakes of wisdom there Miss Pointer Outer of the Obvious.

Then… THEN!… Later today around 2:30, as I was “going number 3” (you know, number 1 and number 2 at the same time), I get this blinding, excruciatingly intense, brief flash of pain (a pain so bad in fact, I saw God) along the length of my penis.

I let out a real quick scream. Before I even got the scream out of my mouth the pain was gone.

I turned and looked into the john, lo and behold I had not just simply passed a kidney stone the size of a black-eyed pea, but I had shot that muthuh out. Thankfully it didn’t have claws and teeth or I’d still be screaming.

It has not been a good day.
Not a good day at all.